Did you know that love is work?  If you didn’t, it’s safe to safe you haven’t been in love.  Having clean dishes is work.  Having a car that smells good – is work.  Having kids that don’t fight is. . . well, that’s virtually impossible, but you get the gist.  Life can easily go from a dust storm to a full fledged F5 tornado in a heart beat.

The divorce rate in America is slightly over 50%, meaning one in two couples will divorce.

There’s a cycle of life, and while I’m making it sound quiet simple, it’s anything but.  For most, we go off to college, get a job, get married, have 2.3 kids, raise them, transition into empty nesters, enjoy the grandkids, travel, and the cycle continues. Sounds so simple. So clear cut.  But of course, each phase of life is complex: full of fun, fights, heartache, tough conversations and celebrations.  There’s personality conflicts, vet bills, hurt feelings, championships awarded, breast cancer survivors.

It’s all the stuff in the middle that makes staying in love a lot of work.  Love isn’t just the kisses and electricity that pulls you together when you first meet.  Love goes deeper.  Love washes the dishes for the other person, when they can’t take another step.  Love rubs their shoulders after a tired day at the office. All the outside activities:  taking the kids to school, paying the bills, working a 50 hour week, helping kids with science projects is the product of love.

Often times we forget the core of the family, Central Station – You and Your spouse.

It’s time to re-focus the attention toward each other, shake off the dust, let the other activities fade into the back ground and plan a date night, a picnic at the park, a vacation away, just the two of you. Discuss your dreams and goals.  Write a note, tell ‘em what you like about them.   Do all the fun stuff you did before kids, before all the accountability and responsibility that life tends to throw upon you like a monkey on your back.

Love takes work.  It’s a fight to spend time together.  You’re fighting against kid’s schedules, your lack of discipline to make it happen.  Just like exercising and eating healthy, it’s a daily task.  Red lipstick and heels once a month is not gonna get it.  It’s arranging babysitters, asking your spouse to dinner, courting them, getting creative in showing your love and affection for one another.

Keep the “Crazy” at bay and find that spark.  Do what it takes to keep it alive.  So when life comes at you, full force, find each other in the eye of storm (the most peaceful place) and hold on.  You’re worth it.

As moms, it’s our job to protect our brood, guide little hearts, create productive citizens, all the while spinning plates and juggling life, as if it’s just another day in the park.  We don’t have to pretend to be perfect, rather a work in progress.  Just as our kids are going through new phases, so are we.  It’s our first time being a mom to screaming infants, wild toddlers & moody teenagers.

We do other moms a disservice by not admitting hard times.  Having coffee with a friend, a mentor, finding time to play tennis, golf, whacking a ball, is enough to set us back on track.  Even the toughest of jobs has a one or two day break; so take one for yourself.  Now, for the Top 10 Mom Confessions…

1) Our house is usually a disaster.

2) We don’t know everything and don’t always like to share.

3) If we never see another episode of Spongebob, Dora or iCarly, I’m sure we’d survive.

4) Playing games with our kids is usually not that much fun.

5) We love taking baths in peace and dream of a hotel room for one (OK, maybe two).

6) We love eating food someone else prepares.

7) We hate sticky things.

We occasionally make mistakes / Sometimes we’re wrong (though rarely LOL).

9) It’s hard to ask for help.

10) And drum roll please . . . When the baby’s diaper has a blow out, we sometimes say: Go Get D-A-D!

Hang up the Super-Mom Cape and make your way to the kitchen – as you step over race cars, Lego blocks and soccer equipment that’s set up like a mine field.  Grab yourself a coffee or a hot tea, take a deep breath, and realize you don’t have to be something you’re not.  Don’t create expectations you can’t maintain.  So as you’re taking a bubble bath and little notes are being passed underneath the door – because you told them not to knock – take a deep breath and know it’s happening to millions of other moms out there.  This is nothing new under the sun.  It’s job security and you are set.

Here’s to living the best version of YOU.  Don’t forget to BREATHE!

written for http://www.women.com

Everyone is Just Waiting,

Waiting for the Fish to Bite,

Waiting for the Wind to Fly a Kite

Waiting Around for Friday night.

Doesn’t waiting seem like a waste of time, a useless place?  Yet, in fact, there are lessons to be learned in the Waiting Place.  Waiting is defined as:  remaining stationary, in readiness or in expectation, to rest in patience.

I enjoyed a girl’s three-day weekend away from the hustle and bustle of life.  There were no techno gadgets, just nature, walking trails, lakes and Canadian Geese.  What a great time to clear my head, think and be.  I anticipated a quiet get-a-way of thinking and waiting in expectation for answers to questions.

But the transition from the “fast-paced-to the “slow-paced” was difficult.  Women are multi-taskers.  We shine best in a storm, when life is in turmoil, when chaos is at its peak, when lives are at stake.  Give us a day to think and wait, and it’s a little un-settling.  It’s in our blood to keep the balls juggling and the plates spinning.

After 10 minutes of waiting by the lake, hoping for a quick revelation to life’s ponderings, my mind filled itself with the infamous “To-Do” list:  buy groceries, fix the car, office deadlines, pay the bills.  My brain was full of logistics.  But as I sat there long enough, taking a deep breath, determined to do nothing but wait, something amazing began to occur; I began to smell the roses, hear the birds singing; my mind began to clear, and like the sun peeking through the clouds, I slowly began to see things differently, about my kids, my life, my goals and dreams for myself.

We hurry through life and forget that “Waiting” (remaining stationary) is a valid step to life’s processes.  It’s where new perspective, new ideas and new attitudes are formed.  Priorities begin to re-arrange themselves.  The important stuff seems to rise to the top and the “not-so-important” falls off the list.

Like death and taxes, laundry and dishes will be with you Always.  Our children won’t be young forever.  They won’t always be willing to hang with us, let us share in their disappointments and victories.

Embrace the quiet, live in readiness and expectation.  Don’t stray far from resting in patience.  For in the Waiting Place, life gains new perspective . . . And Oh, the Places You Will Go!

I visited a doctor’s office the other day and for insurance purposes the questionnaire asked what I did for a living. Never understanding why it matters, I wrote:  MOM.  I used to say Director of Communications or Business Owner and boy did that feel good.  It said everything I needed to say in 2 -3 words to boost my ego.

Now, when I fill in the box with :  MOM – I hear 2 little words in my head:   “JUST A.”  I felt compelled to explain, as if I needed a paragraph to say: I cook for a small army, ya know, planning menus, organizing schedules, responsible for annual budgets.  We’re teachers, accountants, counselors, chauffeurs; we’re public relations, risk management, the CEO of our Household all rolled into one.

For whatever reason, I’ve become my own enemy in viewing the word MOM, as if I had been retired from active duty, been put to pasture, as if staying at home meant doing nothing.  With a title like Director of Something, there’s a value set to it; a monetary figure, a set of skills earned to attain this position.  With the title of MOM there’s no financial figure tied into the equation, therefore motherhood doesn’t reflect the respect it deserves.  After all, who would work for nothing?

While I know that’s not true, I somehow felt compelled to march in a parade, hold my flag high as if to say:  we guide little hearts into adulthood, teaching them to be productive citizens, raising leaders of tomorrow.  Perhaps it’s because our pay rate doesn’t translate in monetary form.  No real salary, pay increase, bonus or vacation days.  While greenbacks are a definite bonus, the benefits of parenting far out way financial perks.

I then realized, why do I care what the world thinks.  I’m not in charge of changing global perception, rather my own.  The problem is with me.  In the end, I know my credentials, my capabilities. There’s no need to post a sign on my car advertising my resume.  What matters is that I’m focusing my attention, my abilities and talents on guiding my children (doing my part) to raise the best individuals they can be, one person at a time.  One day they will be someone’s employee, boss, spouse, parent, friend;  that’s my contribution, my legacy.

So here’s a shout out to all those moms (working at home/ in the office) who will NOT make the Forbes’ Top 100 list.  Your reward is mentoring those trailing a little behind you in life’s journey.  There are no term limits, no set guidelines.   No matter what you write in the BOX OF LIFE, that one-word description can’t possibly DEFINE all the many facets of Who You ARE and what you do. Here’s to Living in Confidence, knowing you are where you need to be, this moment in time.

Someone asked me the other day, what was my most memorable Holiday. I think they were anticipating a story filled with fun traditions and great family memories.

Instead, I said:  We lost our 4 yr old son at Mall of America.  You know, the largest Mall between here and Canada.   Nestled in Minneapolis, MN, this 5.2 million square foot facility contains roller coasters, a water park, a  theme park – and that’s just the first floor!

We lost (Oh I’m sorry – I mean, my HUSAND) lost our son while watching the 4 of them in Lego Land.  I traveled 3 stories from the food court with 6 bags of chicken nuggets and upon my return, noticed one was missing.

We searched high and low for that child.  No doubt, my husband’s hands were full.  Four kids ages 8 to1 in Lego Land can’t be easy.  But the more we searched and couldn’t find the little fella, the more my anxiety grew exponentially.

After calling Mall Security, we noticed a commotion, almost like a parade of people marching from the 3rd floor, making their way down the escalators.  Police officers, lightening equipment, cameras:  It looked like channel 2 news had arrived on the scene.  As I’m telling my husband, through tears, what I’m gonna do to him if we don’t find our child, we are circled by a camera crew – recording tears, private conversations and police interviews.

It turns out, Mall of America was taping Mall Cops for a television series on TLC.  Seriously?  Only to us would this happen – The Crazy Family; though we look fairly normal on the outside.

They asked if we’d be interested in signing a contract to be on TLC’s 1st Thanksgiving episode.  Now isn’t that Special.  Their first episode.  (Do you hear the cynicism)?

She said: It’s a story about families coming together.  Oh REALLY! ?  Uh, I wasn’t born yesterday, but I’m thinking it’s a story about Horrible Parents who can’t keep up with their kids in a mall the size of Montana.  After finding him in Spongebob Land, we made a bee-line to the car with TLC’s paparazzi camera crew chasing us with a contract, begging us to share our “Wonderful Family Reunion Story.”  We were all out of breath, running with strollers and diaper bags. I’ve never buckled kids in a car so fast. I’m pretty sure we left skid marks in the parking lot.

So when you’re beating yourself up for thinking you’re a terrible mom, because you forgot to feed little Johnny something with color for dinner or you missed Timmy’s Parent-Reader Day, forgot to slip money under the pillow from the tooth fairy or didn’t sign up your son for the football team, just think, you could be sharing your story on TLC with the whole world.  We all have tough days when life’s margins are running thin.  Just remember, we’re not perfect, but a work in progress.  Do your best and forget the rest.  Here’s to making holiday memories – ONLY the GOOD ONES!

A couple of months before I headed to college, my mom felt the need to write my name on everything I owned:  My clothes, my type writer (I know, a what???) my books, my suit case, MY underwear (nice) and anything else that couldn’t be nailed to the ground.

One night, during a prayer service at University, I knelt to pray.  As I was getting up, I realized on the bottom of each shoe, written with a Black Sharpie was my FULL NAME from toe to heel.  Sixteen letters!  If embarrassment could of killed, I would have died that night.

If I was lost, I was found:  all I had to do was look at my shoes, my underwear or my purse to remember who I was.  The only thing my mom didn’t write my name on, was an umbrella – and it was stolen on the first rainy day.

Do you know who you are?  Sometimes, we get caught up in the pressure of life, whether it be money, status, certain relationships, keeping up with the Joneses’, trying to stay ahead of the game, being something we’re not and we forget about what really matters:  our integrity, helping others, common sense, good character and remembering that the journey is WAY more important than arrival . . . because we’re never really there, we’re just on our way.

We get in a groove, a rut of sorts, living our nice little life, surrounding ourselves with our BFFs, enjoying “girl’s night,” sports night, placing our kids in every music class, on every athletic team and trying to maintain the status quo . . . Cause after all, we’ve gotta keep up appearances.

Don’t forget the person of adventure who used to try new things, the person who used to write letters to change wayward political views, the person who sought to help those in need, the one who used to ski, scuba dive or golf, but can never find the time, the once fit mom or dad who’s got the (I have a family and don’t have time to take care of myself” syndrome).  If we look at our TRUE Self, we may not recognize the current person in the mirror.  It’s time to RECLAIM Our Life!

It’s time to come clean, start exercising, writing, golfing, reclaiming date night, family night; go back to basics and talk to each other eye to eye, not text to text.  Don’t be the stolen umbrella of life, the person who is so far away from who you really wanna be, that your true identity has faded.  It’s time to reclaim who you Really Are, who you wanna be . . .

Just as those shoes had my name boldly written on them, claiming their owner, Be the Owner of Your Life. Find your True Self and Write Your Name on it.

Like the song:  Should I Stay or Should I Go, guilt peeks its ugly head like a fire breathing dragon.  Should I quit work and stay at home.  Should I go back to work?  Do I volunteer enough, did little Johnnie get plenty of hugs last week?  Are my kids eating healthy enough, are they in the correct activities?  If only I were a better cook, skinnier, happier – and as the plates continue to spin, so does our head.

Guilt is tricky in that whatever you do, the void can’t be filled.  Whatever choice you make, it’s the wrong one.  If you’re here, you should be there, ying should be yang, up should be down, right is wrong, the grass is always greener, and the cycle continues.

There’s a book recently published called:  “Enemies of the Heart”.  It discusses the characteristics of Guilt and spurs one to answer the questions:  Who do you owe and What do you owe?

Often, the “Guilty” hat follows us around like a permanent cloud, a dark shadow you can’t outrun.  The author, Andy Stanley suggests if we can answer Who do we owe and What do we owe, we’ll break free from this emotional control.  Guilt, a destructive power, tries to set us up for failure, before we’re out of the gate.  Look guilt in the face, make it play a fair game.

Whatever circumstances you’re in, perhaps something unforeseen, a bad marriage, a bum deal at work,  miscommunication, a child in a difficult phase, whatever the case, set up a plan of action.  If you’re happy at work, embrace it.  If you’re happiest at home and can afford to stay, seize it.  We’re not living in Utopia where everything is perfect.  We’re living in a world full of too many choices, too little time and one mom trying to juggle it all.

Don’t let Guilt rob you of the joy you have, in whatever position or spot you land.

Guilt is a “Happiness” robber, a contentment thief.  It’s no respecter of persons and doesn’t care what side of the fence, saddle or route you’ve chosen. Guilt will find fault with whatever stance you take, making you feel as though you’ll never meet the standard, complete the race or be truly successful.  It’s a 2nd guesser, a what-IF-ER.

It’s not your friend, rather an enemy that needs to be set sail.  If you had a “friend” who treated you this way, they would be sent on their way in a heart beat, with a footprint on their back side, yet we cuddle up with GUILT like a warm blanket and hot chocolate, hosting it in the most sacred position: our home, our heart, our life.

Identify Guilt for what it is, recognize it and whack it with a broom.  Tell it out loud:  NO MORE!  Answer the questions:  Who do I owe and what do I owe and in this, you’ll find the peace, the contentment you need to embrace the Happy in the place you’re in.

Do Your Best and Forget the Rest.  Here’s to living a life with contentment and purpose.

Have you ever been eating a fantastic dessert, holding an interesting conversation, looked down and thought, “Who Ate My Pie?”

As I’ve raised kids, started and sold a business, worked from home and dealt with life’s struggles and juggles, I looked up and wondered:  Where did my Sexy Go?

I started looking for it.  Did someone steal it from under my nose?  Did I loose it on the way to having kids?  Did it get tired of seeing me wear PJ’s till noon during the baby years?  Had I not made room for it amongst soccer, ballet, deadlines and dishes?  Was there not an extra seat in my minivan?

As I began to search for my distant friend, I had to remember what it looked like.  Had it matured?  Could we still be friends?  Would we fit together with the ease we once knew?  Would we recognize one another?

Defining Sexy is an ambiguous term.  Sexy is more than a little black dress, heels, red lipstick and a come-hither attitude.

Sexy is:

1) Confident

2) Strong / Independent

3) Chilvalious

4) It’s Quiet, it’s Loud

5) It’s Smart

6) It’s Empowered

7) It’s Vulnerable

It’s Courageous

9) It’s Capable

10) It’s Authentic

Sexy is an attitude, a mindset without a specific physical look.  Sexy is not whiny, needy, in constant longing of affirmation; it’s not weak.  It’s not crying over why your life didn’t turn out the way you expected.

Sexy pulls you up by the boot straps and turns your life around, makes changes you’ve always needed but hadn’t.  It’s the girl that realizes she’s the BOSS of Her OWN LIfe, the Leading Lady in her Own Movie, the Conductor of Her Own Train, the Decider of Her Own Fate.

With every decision you make and every word that comes from your mouth, choose to be confident and empowered. Sexy either lives here or it doesn’t and a little black dress is just one of its many outfits.  Here’s to Celebrating the Empowered You – Now that’s Sexy!

14) When your brain cells left the building with baby #1 and have yet to return.

13) When you drive all over town, dropping off kids from here to there and think you passed yourself on the road.

12) When you wish your driving miles got you airline points.

11) When you haven’t been cold since 1986.

10) When you take your vehicle to the car wash and 8 more cars go through while they’re still vacuuming yours.

9) When you call one of your children by the dog’s name.

When you wear your pants inside out to the Dr.’s office and put them on the SAME WAY when you leave.

7) When you haven’t completed a full thought in 10 years.  Go get,  Stop. . . don’t touch . .Uh, what was I saying?

6) When you hide in the back yard to eat the last cookie.

5) When you create an outside distraction, to go the bathroom in peace.

4) When you realize at the dinner table, you’ve had a scrub pad hanging off your scarf all day.

3) When your stairwell has artwork drawn along the walls, by an unknown artist, in crayola.

2) When you drop 3 kids off at school, but only 2 are old enough to attend.

1) When you hear yourself say:  You can skate in the house, just wear a helmet.

If you have suggestions you’d like to share, we would love to hear them.  Here’s to celebrating moms.

I’ve been told that no matter how many kids you have, their personalities are different. I have 4 and have tried to raise them all the same, but each child calls for a different protocol.  They all have different likes, dislikes, quirks, talents, ways of dealing with stress, pressure, are they audio, visual learners, do they respond to negative or positive reinforcement and the list goes on.

I’ve never been a rules person, yet as a mom, I’ve discovered that rules keep everyone alive!  My 4 tend to push the envelope at times, so I’ve had to lay down the law.  My husband snickers from afar, wondering how I came up with some of the rules – and how long they’ll last, for that matter.  While some don’t make a bit of sense, it’s my duty to enforce the KEA Effect, “Keeping “Em Alive!  I’ll make rules off the top of my head to keep them in-tact for another week.

I have one child who excels at sports.  Baseball, soccer, tennis; he just picks it up quickly and thrives.  He’s our little Rock Star.  But if it’s not a sporting event, the child Trips on the Wind. He’ll be skating through the house, and before I know it, he’s looking at the basement stairs and boom, there he goes.  Feet First.

Last winter, the 7 year old asked to walk the dog.  It had been snowing. Mind you, him and the dog weigh about the same, so I knew it was more of the dog running – and my son flying behind him with one hand.  I made a rule: When there’s ice on the ground – You have to wear a helmet when walking the dog.  You should have seen the look on his face.  Are you kidding?

Sounds terrible, right!  Don’t worry, each child will be given money when they turn18, to use at their discretion, for either College or Counseling.  I love them too much and work too hard keeping them alive and well, to let the crazy dog “Take Them Out” on the pavement.  My husband shook his head, with a half laugh, as if:  Do you make up these rules off the top of your head?”

Yes I do, thank you.  That’s how I was successful in board meetings, thinking up well-spun marketing materials to sell products; my job has now become, (KEA!) Keeping ‘Em Alive . . .  and well, to live another day.The 7 year old came back and said:  Mom, Max took off and I hit the ground head first.  The helmet saved me.”  That’s awesome son, Now go tell your dad.

Life is funny and messy and exciting and complicated.  So whatever it takes to keep your kids happy, feeling loved, healthy, safe and whole – wing it with different creative ideas and “rules outside the box.”  If anything, it’s something to laugh about later, making memories as we go along.

Your rules may only last a few weeks, a few days, or only for that minute, but as our children grow, change, hormones kick-in and new attitudes form;  it’s up to us to re-route, change it up, become more creative and think outside the box.  Life is not perfect and there’s no SET Mold for how it’s suppose to play out.  Here’s To Living Life Outside the Box . . .  It Rules!